So, I've been playing match maker with my friends and family members lately. Connecting friends with friends and even family members have turned out to be an interesting side venture. The good thing is that everyone is being a good sport and is having an opened mind. So far, the people I've connected didn't know each other prior, but I know them individually well enough to believe that they would make a good pair. The question is, a good pair of what? I tell them that I think they would be a good match, and encourage them to get to know each other as friends first, and see what happens. No pressure.
Be yourself, and get to know someone new. Your connection may or may not mature in to a romantic relationship. If you have enough things in common, you just might end up with a really good friend. With that in mind, you have nothing to loose. When the discussion presents itself, be upfront with what you look for in a partner, as well as your non-negotiables. I advise that you have no more than three non-negotiables. Those are the things that you absolutely will not compromise on.
For me, my number one non-negotiable in a relationship is physical abuse. The minute my partner hits me in an aggressive manner is the minute the relationship comes to an end. This, for me, is intolerable and absolutely will not be negotiated. I have communicated this non-negotiable of mine to the guys I've dated in the past. My partners (present and past) have been well informed of this from the beginning of our relationships.
My zero tolerance for domestic violence stems from seeing some strong women from my childhood being physically abused by their partners. There are not too many things worse than watching someone's spirit being broken; watching them lose their shine, and praying that they gather enough strength to leave the abusive situation.
The truth is, by the time our partner puts their hands on us, a lot has already gone wrong. It may have started with them telling us which outfit we should or shouldn't wear, which friends we should or shouldn't have, or what we should or shouldn't do. We may have gradually given them our power and control without even realizing it. The good news is that it is never too late to begin to regain your power and control!
As you begin or continue to date (even if you are married or in a committed relationship), think of what your non-negotiables are. It shouldn't be a long laundry list of things. Three things that you absolutely will not accept, or absolutely must have in a relationship. Keep in mind that you may alter or change your non-negotiables over time. The important thing is to first identify it for yourself and then communicate it to your partner.
My opinion, no-tolerance for abuse (physical especially) should be on everyone's list. But make sure you don't go there first.
ReplyDeleteDevil's Advocate: if you tell them the 3 things you absolutely won't accept, aren't you in a way telling them the things you could? Say you say, I have one rule; if you put your hands on me, out the door I go. If he/she takes that to mean "If you cheat on me, I might stay", is he/she wrong?
Good point. Does stating your non-negotiables leaves everything else opened for negotiation? Yes. Does it mean that you will tolerate everything else? Absolutely not.
ReplyDeleteNot necessarily.If you telling your partner what makes you feel vulnerable in a relationship, only triggers them to think what other things they could do to make you feel vulnerable and still stay inside the lines, then that person is a trick and don't really care for you. The thought that should go through their mind is "there are also other things I can do or not do to keep this person happy, whether or not they tell me about it"
ReplyDelete