It's Complicated...

Should you forgive a person you're in a relationship with for cheating on you? This question was posed to me by a 16 year old girl as I was conducting a presentation on Healthy Relationships. It is too complicated of a question to answer with a simple yes or no. I figured this could either be a teachable moment, or I could scar this poor child for life. The short version to the answer I gave her is "It depends."

Of course it depends. It depends on a lot of things. How long have you been in this relationship? What level of commitment have you communicated with each other? Is he or she a first timer or a repeat offender? With whom did they cheat? Has he or she showed any regrets for betraying your trust, or do they act like it's no big deal?

You should never stay with anyone who does not value or appreciate the wonderfulness that is you. Drop that loser, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. No explanations needed.

If you feel like they do value and appreciate you; and what they did was a horrible one time mistake and they're willing to do everything in their power to make the relationship work (including giving you space), than you might need to slow down and process things a little more rather than immediately kicking them to the curb.

I recommend you get out a sheet of paper and write down your answers to these four questions in four separate lists. The four categories are, "What do I have to gain by staying in this relationship," and "What do I have to lose by staying in this relationship." "What do I have to gain by leaving this relationship," and "what do I have to lose by leaving this relationship. After doing this exercise, you will have your answer.

If you decide to end the relationship, then do so with no regrets. If you decide to forgive him or her, take your time and do so with conditions. Set out conditions to which you will stay and work things out. If those conditions are ever broken, you have to be strong enough to pick up the pieces and walk away. Like I said earlier, you should never be with anyone who does not value and appreciate the wonderfulness that is you.

My Golden Rule

We all know the Golden Rule, "Treat others as you want to be treated." This rule looks good in theory, and I have tried to live by it over the years. However, I have come to see a minor issue with this rule. It implies that the way you want to be treated is the way others want to be treated, and that may simply not always be true. So, I propose an amendment to the Golden Rule; and it is to "Treat others the way they want to be treated." The amendment to this rule gives the person or persons we are encountering the opportunity to tell us how they want to be treated rather than how we think they should be treated. We are all unique in our own ways and may desire various treatments from each other. Treating others the way they want to be treated encourages us to have a dialogue with others and find out from them exactly how they would like to be treated in certain situations. We learn a lot about each other this way. We learn about what makes us similar and what sets us apart. We are to embrace those similarities and respect and even embrace those differences!