It's Complicated...

Should you forgive a person you're in a relationship with for cheating on you? This question was posed to me by a 16 year old girl as I was conducting a presentation on Healthy Relationships. It is too complicated of a question to answer with a simple yes or no. I figured this could either be a teachable moment, or I could scar this poor child for life. The short version to the answer I gave her is "It depends."

Of course it depends. It depends on a lot of things. How long have you been in this relationship? What level of commitment have you communicated with each other? Is he or she a first timer or a repeat offender? With whom did they cheat? Has he or she showed any regrets for betraying your trust, or do they act like it's no big deal?

You should never stay with anyone who does not value or appreciate the wonderfulness that is you. Drop that loser, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. No explanations needed.

If you feel like they do value and appreciate you; and what they did was a horrible one time mistake and they're willing to do everything in their power to make the relationship work (including giving you space), than you might need to slow down and process things a little more rather than immediately kicking them to the curb.

I recommend you get out a sheet of paper and write down your answers to these four questions in four separate lists. The four categories are, "What do I have to gain by staying in this relationship," and "What do I have to lose by staying in this relationship." "What do I have to gain by leaving this relationship," and "what do I have to lose by leaving this relationship. After doing this exercise, you will have your answer.

If you decide to end the relationship, then do so with no regrets. If you decide to forgive him or her, take your time and do so with conditions. Set out conditions to which you will stay and work things out. If those conditions are ever broken, you have to be strong enough to pick up the pieces and walk away. Like I said earlier, you should never be with anyone who does not value and appreciate the wonderfulness that is you.