SlutWalk

SlutWalks are protest marches organized to challenge the falsehood that women get raped because of the way they dress. The protests began on April 3rd 2011 when Constable Michael Sanguinetti, a Canadian police officer in Toronto, implied that "women should avoid dressing like sluts" in order to not be victimized. This blaming the victim mentality is a constant barrier in the awareness and irratification of sexual violence. The officer has since then apologized for his statement.

During the slutwaks, many women dress up provocatively expressing that the way a woman dresses should not be used as an excuse to justify the violent act of rape.

Thousands of women and men have attended various SlutWalks which has sparked national and international debates. Organizers of SlutWalks say that this is one way to redeem the word "slut" which currently has a negative connotation. This leads me to my question. Why in the world would you want to redeem the word "slut?" That's as bizarre as a black person using the word "nigger" as a term of endearment.

Growing up on the East Coast (U.S.A), I used the word nigger frequently as I addressed my friends. As I got older and became more equipped with knowledge and wisdom, I could no longer accept a word that was meant for the degradation and dehumanization of people of African descent as a term of endearment. There's a reason why the "Million Man March" at the National Mall in Washington, D.C. attended by mostly African American men on October 16, 1995 was not called the "Million Nigger March." I have the same sentiments when it comes to the SlutWalks.

Reclaiming the language of the oppressor just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I'm missing something. Supporters of the marches have raised a good point. If it wasn't called "SlutWalks," would we be talking about it today? Would the movement have gotten the national and even international recognition that it now has? What do you think?

Giving Thanks

Every fourth Thursday in November, many families in the United States sit around their dinning table to celebrate Thanksgiving Day. Family members and friends are encouraged to share with each other things for which they are thankful. Below are a few things I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful that I'm alive.

I'm thankful for my health and the health of my family.

I'm thankful to have a loving husband and partner.

I'm thankful that we're able to provide a safe, nurturing, and loving environment for our daughters.

I'm thankful for everyone who is a part of our village, as it truly does take a village.

I'm thankful to God for these and many other blessings.


What are you thankful for this year?

What Turns Men Off/What Makes Women Want to Run for the Hills?

I reached out to some males and females and asked them to share with us what turns them off either in a relationship, or from entering in to one. What's that thing that makes them want to run the other way? That guy who thinks everyone is out to get him (including you). That female who created a Facebook page pretending to be you and sends messages out to your other friends (one of my cousin's girlfriend actually did this. Creepy.) Below are some of the responses I got back:

"Insecure woman, loud, no compassion, too formal or conservative, narrow minded." Charles

"Cockiness is a turn off. Its nice for a guy to be confident and driven in what God has blessed him with. but there is a fine line, so why are you praising yourself? Guys think its macho, but I think its insecurity when a guy tries that hard to talk himself up. Let others praise you. This is not an interview. Major turnoff. Oh, and talking about other females like exes on a first date. That doesn't get second dates, guaranteed." Wenwu

"INSECURITY - Women who are insecure usually exhibit low self-esteem, complain a lot about everything, are very possessive and downright petrifying. "When is it time to RUN for the hills? When your female friend is constantly asking you the following questions:"

·Does this dress make me look fat?

·Who is that new girl at your office and how come she’s is on your team and not the other supervisors’?

·Whose number is this and why do you keep calling it over and over?

·Why are you comparing me to other girls?

·Who are you looking at? Do you want to be with her or me?

·What is the password to your cell phone or email?

"Guys, if you get these kinds of questions from your female friend over and over, it may be time to RUN for the hills." John

"One thing that has turned me off since I was in high school is a guy that does not hold the door open for me on our first date. I continued dating a few guys that did that (despite my initial feelings of disgust), and they usually turned out to be lazy! And my next "turn off" if you haven't guessed it, is laziness. When that trait became clear, I did not hesitate to say goodbye!" Marina

"I hate bitching. For instance, my wife and I know each other so well, she would start a bitching session by saying, "I dont want to complain, but.." and then I would do what I have to do in respect for her." Standford

"An emotionally needy man. I need my man to be my rock, don't burden me with all your emotions." - anonymous

"Things about a girl that would turns me off would be a girl that is aggressive, clingy, and the worst of all disrespectful." Christopher

"Bad breath. If his breath smells like he had garlic for breakfast and onions for lunch all the damn time, I will definitely be running the other way!" Tina

"There will be those who find what is meant to be real in a relationship. The lucky ones who re-define what love really is, and can give and receive to nurture it. To these men who are not cheaters, lets let the relationship exist with a mutual respect and honor. Simply put, a lack of trust is what turns this man off." Calvin

"A big turn-off is when your interest is not able to reasonably integrate themselves into your friend groups. I have a variety of friends and if he is not able to hang out with us and adapt to the situation (i.e. staying off in the corner or always wanting to stay by my side), that is a huge yellow flag. Get your social on!" anonymous

"Now, what is unique to all men universally (which is also my position) is that we all will despise and get turned off by a women who lies." Oliver

"What turns me off is men whose eyes at first approach gravitate directly
below the shoulders and then make that "umph" animalistic grunt as if to
mark their territory. I'm not sure if they mean it as a compliment or are
intentionally communicating that sex is their only intent. But it repels." Kadi


"The ultimate fear that I will get bored with the other person. As an aquarius, I tend to want something new often and I'm free willed so I also tend to have a fear of being tied down." Tim

Thoughts Of A Not So Angry Black Woman

Today’s Women Alliance and Black Girls Rock! Inc. are two non-profit youth empowerment and mentoring organizations that encourage young women of color to view themselves in a positive light, and strive to reach their full potential. Race, a socially constructed notion, plays an essential part in shaping the American Society. Many people believe that the United States is now a post-racial society simply because Barack Obama, a bi-racial man who identifies as black, is our president.

Too many times in our country’s history black women have been portrayed in stereotypical and often disparaging ways, as ignorant, lazy, buffoonish, hyper-sexual or sexless martyrs, welfare queens from the ghetto. Society has come a long way, however, though not as overt, these depictions still do linger on today.

Living in a society where we have been bombarded with negative stereotypes and images of black women, it is essential for me, as a black woman and a mother of two beautiful black girls, to seek out, project, and promote positive images of black women and other women of color. Yes, you may find us in the ghetto doing the best we can to hold our families together with limited resources. You can also find us in the more affluent parts of the cities, the suburbs, the board rooms, Wall Street, Main Street, and the White House.

Black women continue to break through mental chains of distorted images and messages bestowed upon us. Thank you to the likes of Oprah Winfred, Condoleezza Rice, Michelle Obama; giants like Nikki Giovanni, Maya Angelou, Tina Turner, and the countless every day intelligent, hard working, beautiful black women out there for igniting my psyche with optimism and giving me the audacity to walk every day with my head up high.

My Top Five Stories of October 2011

Those very close to me know I’m a news buff. CNN is my favorite TV channel, and my car radio is set to NPR most of the time. Oh yea, I’m that friend who was the first to call and tell you that Osama Bin Laden was killed, or that businessman turned presidential candidate Herman Cain just modified his “999” plan to a “909” plan. I once told one of my sisters that there is no movie more interesting to me than the events shown on the news. Yes, I know it. I’m a news geek, and I’m proud of it! The thing about being friends with a news geek is that whether you want to or not, you’re going to be informed of the good, the bad, and the ugly current events (just ask my friend Marie). So, below are my top five stories of October.

5) Wild Animals Roamed the Streets of Ohio

A man let 56 wild animals (lions, tigers, leopards, bears, monkeys, and wolves) from his private zoo out to roam the streets of Ohio and than shot himself. Can you imagine coming home from a long day of work and seeing a lion and a wolf just hanging out in front of your house? The animals were hunted down, and 48 of the 56 were shot dead on the sheriff's orders. This is a perfect example of “When deregulation goes wrong.”

4) Moammar Gadhafi Captured and Killed

Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi, one of his sons, and a top aide were captured and killed after 42 years of what many called a dictatorship. Thousands of Libyans now celebrate their libaration. The challenge now, is for the Libyan people to rebuild their country from bottom up. Many are rejoicing saying "Down with the dictator!" Reflecting on this, I say a man who made so many bad and even horrific choices, and ended up paying for them with his life. What would Libya look like post Moammar Gadhafi? We will just have to wait & see.




3) Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s Dedication Ceremony

The late civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy continues with a memorial dedication in Washington D.C. forty-eight years after his “I have a dream” speech transfixed our nation. Remembering Dr. King’s legacy in a speech at the dedication ceremony, president Barack Obama stated, "Let us remember that change has never been quick. Change has never been simple or without controversy. Change depends on persistence. Change requires determination."

2) Three Women Won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize

Peace activist Leymah Gbowee of Liberia, president Ellen Johnson Sirleaf of Liberia, and journalist/human rights activist Tawakel Karman of Yemen won the Nobel Peace Prize. Thorbjoern Jagland, the head of the Nobel Prize Committee said “If one fails to include the women in the revolution and the new democracies, there will be no democracy." As a Liberian American woman, this is one I relish with my daughters.

And my # one story of October…

Occupy Wall Street

An ongoing series of demonstrations in New York City based in Zuccotti Park in the Walls Street financial district brought back the old school "Let’s take it to the streets," protest to our consciousness. The “Occupy” movement is shaking up America and shining light of social and economic inequality, corporate greed, corporate power and influence over government. The movement’s slogan, “We are the 99%,” referring to the top 1% who controls 40% of the wealth, is one that my three years old daughter recites while eating her dinner. What started out as a small “Occupy Wall Street” protest has now entered its second month with thousands of protesters in several states and countries around the world.

What are some of your top stories of October 2011?

What are your Non-Negotiables?

So, I've been playing match maker with my friends and family members lately. Connecting friends with friends and even family members have turned out to be an interesting side venture. The good thing is that everyone is being a good sport and is having an opened mind. So far, the people I've connected didn't know each other prior, but I know them individually well enough to believe that they would make a good pair. The question is, a good pair of what? I tell them that I think they would be a good match, and encourage them to get to know each other as friends first, and see what happens. No pressure.

Be yourself, and get to know someone new. Your connection may or may not mature in to a romantic relationship. If you have enough things in common, you just might end up with a really good friend. With that in mind, you have nothing to loose. When the discussion presents itself, be upfront with what you look for in a partner, as well as your non-negotiables. I advise that you have no more than three non-negotiables. Those are the things that you absolutely will not compromise on.

For me, my number one non-negotiable in a relationship is physical abuse. The minute my partner hits me in an aggressive manner is the minute the relationship comes to an end. This, for me, is intolerable and absolutely will not be negotiated. I have communicated this non-negotiable of mine to the guys I've dated in the past. My partners (present and past) have been well informed of this from the beginning of our relationships.

My zero tolerance for domestic violence stems from seeing some strong women from my childhood being physically abused by their partners. There are not too many things worse than watching someone's spirit being broken; watching them lose their shine, and praying that they gather enough strength to leave the abusive situation.

The truth is, by the time our partner puts their hands on us, a lot has already gone wrong. It may have started with them telling us which outfit we should or shouldn't wear, which friends we should or shouldn't have, or what we should or shouldn't do. We may have gradually given them our power and control without even realizing it. The good news is that it is never too late to begin to regain your power and control!

As you begin or continue to date (even if you are married or in a committed relationship), think of what your non-negotiables are. It shouldn't be a long laundry list of things. Three things that you absolutely will not accept, or absolutely must have in a relationship. Keep in mind that you may alter or change your non-negotiables over time. The important thing is to first identify it for yourself and then communicate it to your partner.

It's Complicated...

Should you forgive a person you're in a relationship with for cheating on you? This question was posed to me by a 16 year old girl as I was conducting a presentation on Healthy Relationships. It is too complicated of a question to answer with a simple yes or no. I figured this could either be a teachable moment, or I could scar this poor child for life. The short version to the answer I gave her is "It depends."

Of course it depends. It depends on a lot of things. How long have you been in this relationship? What level of commitment have you communicated with each other? Is he or she a first timer or a repeat offender? With whom did they cheat? Has he or she showed any regrets for betraying your trust, or do they act like it's no big deal?

You should never stay with anyone who does not value or appreciate the wonderfulness that is you. Drop that loser, dust yourself off, and keep it moving. No explanations needed.

If you feel like they do value and appreciate you; and what they did was a horrible one time mistake and they're willing to do everything in their power to make the relationship work (including giving you space), than you might need to slow down and process things a little more rather than immediately kicking them to the curb.

I recommend you get out a sheet of paper and write down your answers to these four questions in four separate lists. The four categories are, "What do I have to gain by staying in this relationship," and "What do I have to lose by staying in this relationship." "What do I have to gain by leaving this relationship," and "what do I have to lose by leaving this relationship. After doing this exercise, you will have your answer.

If you decide to end the relationship, then do so with no regrets. If you decide to forgive him or her, take your time and do so with conditions. Set out conditions to which you will stay and work things out. If those conditions are ever broken, you have to be strong enough to pick up the pieces and walk away. Like I said earlier, you should never be with anyone who does not value and appreciate the wonderfulness that is you.

My Golden Rule

We all know the Golden Rule, "Treat others as you want to be treated." This rule looks good in theory, and I have tried to live by it over the years. However, I have come to see a minor issue with this rule. It implies that the way you want to be treated is the way others want to be treated, and that may simply not always be true. So, I propose an amendment to the Golden Rule; and it is to "Treat others the way they want to be treated." The amendment to this rule gives the person or persons we are encountering the opportunity to tell us how they want to be treated rather than how we think they should be treated. We are all unique in our own ways and may desire various treatments from each other. Treating others the way they want to be treated encourages us to have a dialogue with others and find out from them exactly how they would like to be treated in certain situations. We learn a lot about each other this way. We learn about what makes us similar and what sets us apart. We are to embrace those similarities and respect and even embrace those differences!

Dream Maker

He is my...dream maker.
An once of fantasy,
A dash of reality,
And three tablespoons of ecstasy.
Mixed with sugar and spice, oil and vinegar,
Stir seven times seven times a day,
And baked at a 365 degree temperature for eternity.

He's brown skin, with no frowns, rarely down
Often on my mind when he's not around
He is my...dream maker.
My keep your head up higher
There's no one tighter or brighter that I desire
He sets me on fire!
He is my...dream maker.

My problem solver.
Makes me feel better cause he's my lover,
He is my...dream maker.
Side by side as we walk by
clear our path
You may wonder why
He chose to be my...dream maker

Always touching, holding, kissing, caressing
My neck, my back, my hands, my lips,
And
Believing in
Me
Because
He is my...
Dream maker.
My now and forever.

The Republican Love Fest

I was watching the republican debate hosted in New Hampshire two nights ago on CNN, and it seemed more like a love fest than a political debate. It began with congress woman Michelle Bachmann announcing that she had officially filed her paper work that day to run for president. Everyone cheered. I didn't get it. Am I the only one missing something here? Like the comedian Stephen Colbert said, "It's like going to a wedding and having the bride and groom announce that they filed for a marriage certificate."

When asked by the moderator, Tim Pawlenty looked like a coward when he failed to say to Mitt Romney's face a comment he had made the day before on fox news calling the medicare law passed by President Obama "Obamney Care." It was a little uncomfortable to watch. The seven candidates on the stage barely looked at each other for the entirely two hours. They were less interested in debating each other and more interested in yelling who hates Obama the most.

Celebrate Your Friendships

Why is it that we don't celebrate milestones in our friendships like we do in our romantic relationships? It dawned on me this past weekend that my friend Mennie and I have been friends for the past 20 years. That's the longest relationship I've been a part of outside of my family. When I talked it over with Mennie, she said the same was true for her.

So, to celebrate our 20th anniversary of friendship, we decided to leave the husbands and kids at home, go out for a nice dinner, exchange gifts, and go to a concert!

Think of the milestones you have in your friendships and take the time to recognize and celebrate them with your friends. Our friendships are just as important and deserves to be celebrated as much as our romantic relationships. Enjoy!

Love Yourself

I was watching Dr. Phil today with one of my girlfriends, and the guest on the show was explainnig how she was glad to be pregnant for her boyfriend because now she knows they won't break up. Eventhough he was physically and emotionally abusive to her, she was glad to be pregnant with his child and believed he would stay with her because of the pregnancy. Listening to this, my friend said in disbelieve "Wow, she loves him that much?" "No, she just doesn't love herself that much," I responded. If we don't love ourselves, we will never know just how much fun, beautiful, and worthwhile we are. A woman's (and man's) worth is measured by the degree of her ability to love herself. How do we love ourselves? We can begin with positive thinking. Tell yourself that you are an intelligent and beautiful human being who deserves good things to happen to them. Repeat it to yourself over and over until you believe it. Love yourself first; then you will be able to give and receive love.

Black Water Lounge

- If you are ever in Duluth MN and are looking for an ultra cool lounge for the grown and sexy, then the Black Water Lounge is the place for you. Located at 231 East Superior Street, the Black Water Lounge is a martini bar and night club with a sleek and chic atmosphere and a fire place in the back. It’s a great place to go on a date or a fun night out with some friends. They have live music every Wednesday through Saturday nights from 6pm – 9pm. Go and kick back for a cocktail or a meal. If you like sea food, I would recommend their lobster bites. They’re large bites of succulent lobster dusted with tempura batter and lightly fried. It’s served with their marmalade and red pepper dipping sauce. I had an amazing time and would definitely go back whenever I’m in Duluth. The service there is great!